Wow! So you're a male member of society and suddenly you've decided that you need a thing going for you. What do you do? Where do you go? Easy! Just don't cut, wash, or style your hair for about a month. Febreze™. Amazing! You look so hip.

A possibly very attractive Wheaton North High School fad has turned into a horrible, disfiguring monstrosity of all things bad. Of course, when I say this, I look pointedly toward nearly the entire male population of the 2007 graduating class. "What have I done that is so wrong?" you, small one, ask. "I'm cool. I'm in. I'm with it."

Alas, it is because you have stained the shaggy hair look with your pitiful blemish of a rock star hairdo. Yes, it does look like you clean your kitchen counter with it. Yes, it does look like you douse your hair with ammonia on a daily basis. Even the peaceful Hari Krishna would attack your hair with really sharp paper.

Never fear! Madame LaBooshman is here to help. First step toward achieving the new 'do: wash. Rinse. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Condition, but avoid roots. This causes grease, like the kind on your tasty and potato-y French fries. This is not a desirable effect. If this happens, start again. "Only brush your hair at the beginning of the day and simply let it get messy," suggests Brian VandenBos, Wheaton North Alumnus. Secondly, it is okay to use gel. No, it is not effeminate. But remember, you are not the Fonz, so do not try and be the Fonz. Thirdly, make sure your hair is always falling gracefully into your eyes, in a sort of shy-yet-tortured-artist/bored Super Target employee way.

"The gross hair? Not good," says one junior girl, who preferred to remain anonymous. "But it could be if they [boys] would just bathe once in a while."

However, some of you have done very well for yourselves, and I applaud you. You probably have a group of girls following you around our little square donut of a school. Do not worry, as this is completely normal. Do not be alarmed if suddenly you see a hand gravitating towards your silken locks.

"Yeah," says Paulina Boonman, sophomore. "What's wrong with liking hair? If stalking people with good hair is a crime, then… oh… stalking is a crime? Never mind. Ha, ha. Joke! JOKE!" The sophomore laughs emphatically and then hastily excuses herself.