A ‘Lil Petroleum Jelly in Yer Shampoo
July 16, 2008 – 7:24 pm
Dear L’Oreal Brand Teams,
I’m not sure what royal jelly is, but I sure do not want it in my hair.
Welcome to the 6.5 Hour Round-Trip Commute
June 6, 2008 – 4:55 pmSince I started my commute to Chicago from the Western Suburbs this week for my internship, I’ve felt the following feelings: tiredness, sleepiness, alert sleepiness, anger, fear, frustration, and fear. Sometimes all at the same times, like today, when the train was delayed not only on my morning commute, but on my afternoon commute as well.
Not just a fifteen-minute delay. Oh, no. The first delay was when a man jumped in front of the outbound train in Wheaton at 6:45 AM this morning. I watched the helicopters buzzing over like black flies from the next station over to the East. “We’re going to have about a two hour delay,” the ticket lady told me, watching the helicopters with me. “This happens sometimes. It’s usually suicide.”
Hell, no matter how bad my commute gets, I’m pretty sure my life was nowhere near as bad as a person who gets up early to jump in front of a commuter train. This is an understatement, to say the least.
Animal fat leak halts Metra trains
The next delay says it all. I left my workplace at 1:50 PM, right? Didn’t get home until 5:35 PM this evening because of “debris” on the tracks. Click on the link. Seriously. They told us they thought it was a “chemical” spill, and I sat on the curb of the desolate Berkeley station parking lot, reading a Janet Evanovich book and borrowing commuter’s cell phones because I’m dumb enough to let mine die while my mother, yet again, saved the day.
My normal commute, by the way, is somewhere around 3 hours round trip.
Creamy Linguine Pasta with Leeks
May 29, 2008 – 8:18 pm
This was dinner a while back. I cannot tell you how good this was. I know, I know, this is coming from a college student, and trust me, I used CREAM CHEESE for part of this because I didn’t have heavy whipping cream. You can’t get a deliciously sweet and leek-filled tangle of pasta from a jar of Ragu. In fact, I’ve never had a good cream sauce out of a jar or a tub.
Let’s look at the main offender:
Just looking at this, you know already that this won’t cut it. Not for your creamy silken pasta dreams, noooo.
RECIPE:
2 leeks, only the white parts, cut off the stem part with the baby blond hairs, rinse in colander, CHOPPED HOWEVA YOU LIKE IT
1 tbsp butta, also whatever kind you want
1 cup of reserved hot water that the pasta has been fully cooked in
3 tbsp of Philadelphia cream cheese, or Schnucks, if you are feeling cheap
Chopped parsley, basil, oregano, maybe mint, but I can’t help you if it sucks with the mint, that chameleon she-devil
Salt
Peppa
Start boiling some water in a pot. A big pot. Full of water. Crank it. The heat, that is. Not the water.
Meanwhile, start chopping some leeks, or chives, or lil babeh wild onions, or maybe just a sweet onion. I’m not really particular on this part. Once they’ve been chopped, melt a tablespoon of butter or olive oil over medium, on the low side of things (butter will taste better but Oprah will come after you, bottle of Bertolli grasped in her firm handshake).
Toss in your leeks. Stand over the skillet worriedly, poking at them with a spatula. Put some linguine in the boiling water. Maybe half the box. I used DeCecco; they make these skid marks in the pasta that the sauce clings to, so that’s… pretty much what you want. Put your timer on for whatever it says to.
Put about 1/4 tsp of salt and a sprinkling of pepper on yer leeks. Once your pasta is halfway cooked, toss in cubes (or break it up with your fingers) of cream cheese. Just trust me on this. I treat cream cheese as solidified cream, although I’m sure butter has already been promoted to vice president of that company a couple hundred years ago.
Whatever, what is the point of keeping those dumb little half pints of cream around all the time like those giant milk chugs of whole milk, just to make bechamel or alfredo or a roux? Oooooooh, Larousse Gastronamique is going to hunt me down, trailing Oprah in its fat little book cover with the meat pies on it.
Anyway, to the point. Keep stirring your leeks and cream cheese, this may take a while for the cream cheese to break down. You’ll probably need to add more salt and pepper. Maybe some red pepper flakes, just to keep things hot ‘n spicy with your LTR, y’know?
When the pasta is done, stick something like one of your giant coffee mugs down into the pasta water and so you have starchy water. You know, to loosen up the sauce a bit. Drain the pasta, toss the water little by little (maybe 1/4 cup at a time) into the sauce so it gets nice and easy like your roommate from French boarding school. Stick yer pasta in the skillet. Keep that heat on, maybe on to low. Toss with tongs. Or your bare clean hands, if you’ve got the asbestos fingers like my mother. Taste for salt and pepper.
Put it in a giant bowl. Sprinkle with chiffonade (roll the fresh herb up into a cigarillo of sorts and cut it hamburger style, not hot dog) herb of your choosing. Turn on America’s Next Top Model, and make sure you do a picture-in-picture with Food Network. Eat it all. Pat your stomach, because you’ve just given it the biggest hug.
Faucet Faucet Faucet
May 7, 2008 – 10:19 am
We finally did it.
April 24, 2008 – 10:34 pm
Check it out.Thanks to my bf, Drew (designer of layout). It’s a little weird to hand over the reigns, design-wise, but he’s so good so I don’t mind.
I just wish I was better at it.
NYT Article: How to Survive in New York on 99 Cents
March 28, 2008 – 9:51 am
from the NYT website
Today’s post features not one but TWO articles in the New York Times about cheap eats. Specifically, cheap eats at the Dollar Store (theirs are 99 cent stores, apparently). We learn a few things: frozen peas are good to go (duh), frozen pigs in blankets are questionable (oh, really?), and that Eric Ripert can make a pretty slammin’ meal composed of entirely dollar store items.
You’d be pretty surprised what you can find at discount stores. Since I did a big project on Aldi last year, I’ve learned a lot about discount retailers. A lot of people don’t know that Aldi owns Trader Joe’s, so a lot of the products you find at Trader Joe’s are often found (with different packaging) at Aldi. Their “special purchases” are often treasure troves in disguise, and you’ll be able to find a ton of premium products at a discount.
For example, right now at Aldi, you can buy berry bushes at $5.99 each and Bertolli gourmet frozen dinners for $5.89 (trust me, this is an amazing price point as they are usually somewhere around $6.99-$8.99, depending on where you are).
So imagine my excitement to see the New York Times, champion of the local gourmet specialty store, givin’ a pat on the back to the not-as-cool discount stores of New York.
Me? I’m going to Aldi today to pick up a bag of navy beans and salt pork. Mama’s making beans.
[links]
Eric Ripert Makes 99 Cent Frozen Wild Salmon
How to Survive in New York on 99 Cents
Celine Dion’s Hairy Legs Criticism?
March 12, 2008 – 8:48 am
From tasteful Brit mag, “The Daily Mail”:
“Her face had been carefully made up, nails polished and outfit primped just so, but Celine Dion forgot one important thing before performing in Toyko over the weekend. It appeared the My Heart Will Go On singer had forgotten to wax her legs, with severe back lighting revealing their rather hairy state as she strutted around the stage. But despite the grooming oversight, she succeeded in wowing the crowd with a typically dazzling performance.”
I’ve just gotta say, nobody I know shaves their upper legs. The hair there is so fine anyway that you can barely see it. The calves were clearly taken care of. Every “Taking Care of Your Teen Girl Body” book I ever read as a teen (ooooh the Google searches are gonna find this post and it’s not going to be what the pervs are looking for) is all, “Don’t bother shaving your upper legs/thighs.” Honestly, if I were to do that, it would take me 5 minutes extra in the shower every two days. That is 37.5 hours every year, or, considering I’ve been shaving my legs since I was 11, 375 hours lost to shaving my thighs.
The only time when I ever heard of a girl shaving their thighs, it was my roommate’s best friend from home, and she ended up cutting herself so badly that she had a stormy bruise the size of a small baseball field there. Right in time for a hot date. See? Terrible idea! At least we aren’t using pumice stones to scrape off our hair like they did in Ancient Greece… shyikes.
Basically, what I am saying is that Celine Dion, despite our differing musical tastes, are kindred hair-on-thighs spirits.
I Don’t Have Botulism
March 5, 2008 – 1:43 pmHello,
I was directed to your e-mail address from a woman at the New York imports office. I purchased two 28.2 oz cans of De Cecco Peeled Tomatoes “Pomodoro San Marzano dell’ Agro Sarnese Nocerino” in tomato puree with basil from a Meijer superstore last week in Champaign, Illinois on Prospect Avenue. Only until after I had cooked the tomatoes in a soup and eaten about a cup of it did I notice the fact that the “Best Before Date” was September 1st, 2001. I just wanted to check and make sure that this product was okay to be on store shelves and to be consumed. The price point was fairly low — it was a 2/$7 deal; which should have probably alerted me, as well as the fact that Meijer usually does not carry De Cecco San Marzano tomatoes.
Generally, I believe most canned goods, especially processed canned goods, are fine for years after the “best by” date. The quality seemed fine, albeit a little metallic, but I just wanted to make sure.
Thank you!
Me (name removed for sake of getting a full-time job and so companies don’t google me)
Dear Ms. B******:
The date printed on the tin (09/01/01) should be interpreted as follows:
09 - Year
01 - Month
01 - DayHence the product is best if used by January 1, 2009.
Sorry for any possible misinterpretation.
Regards,
JA Bielli
Director - Finance & Administration
OMG I’M GOING TO BE FINE! Also, more importantly, the Director of Finance & Administration at De Cecco wrote me an e-mail!
Say Hello to My New Boyfriend, the GMAT! And I might have botulism from San Marzano tomatoes!
March 5, 2008 – 11:50 amI officially just plunked down $250 this evening to register for the General Management Admissions Test. Err, my parents plunked. Either way, homegirl’s five-year-plan is to go to biz school round 2011 or so.
But I might not be able to get there. That’s right, I’ve got the botulism. I suffer for my art. My bad art of bad cooking. C’est vraiment tragique, non?
Sigh. My mom took me shopping last week when she came to visit my happenin’ college town in Central Illinois, and she took me to a Meijer superstore, which has a plethora of multi-cultural items for sale. Of course, I saw these San Marzano puppies at a 2/$7 price point, and I thought to myself, “My goodness, De Cecco finally has San Marzano tomatoes!” This is exciting because I love De Cecco dried pastas and semolina flour type 00 for making pasta. So I figured the quality would be up there with the latter products.
Fast forward a day later, I have the ghost pangs of a virulent botulism monster raging through my stomach. I am already fantasizing about my boyfriend and my mom and sister and friends crowding around my bleak hospital bed at Carle, tears in their eyes, “Whyyy, Nellayyyy, whaiii must you have made that Giada DeLaurentiis ribollita recipe THAT DOESN’T EVEN CALL FOR SAN MARZANOS?? If you do not die, we promise to take you to Chick-fil-A every day in order to save you from yourself, GODDAMNIT.”
Of course, in physiological actuality, my stomach is pretty fine. And it’s a-clamoring for some bacon. Some expired, frozen bacon. Don’t do it, gurlfriend!
XOXO Gossip Girl circa 1916
February 5, 2008 – 4:34 pmYesterday I was at the Newspaper Library, which is tucked away on the second floor of the Main Library in Champaign. In the way back, there is a section where you can look things up on microfiche. Really, really old original versions of newspapers, mostly. I couldn’t find what I needed to find, but by happy circumstance, I found old issues of the Daily Illini. Really old. And guess what? They’re just like us! Kind of.
Which gave me an idea — why should I hoard all these goodies for myself? These sorts of things should be shared! Who the hell knows anything about historical University of Illinois campuses? I mean, maybe if you walk in the tunnel between the Undergrad and the Main Library you occasionally notice the little bulletin board with 4 pictures of neatly-dressed MRS degrees-to-be sequestered off in lady-dorms, but that’s about it.
Also, it’s doubtful the Panhellenic council will get on me about this.
Ohhh shittt! Printed gossip from October 19th, 1934. Homegirl was teaching the pledges how to be golddiggers and letting boys buy her five Cokes in a night. I wonder if her pick-up move was, “Jinx, buy me a coke.” Or “bees-knees, buy me a coke.” Scandal!
I have no idea what kind of shoes frat boys wear now, but I know they do love the North Face. December 21, 1916? This shoe was allll the rage over campus.
Now this one is the real kicker:
October 19th, 1934. Daaaaamn, ladies! Lookin’ good.
Lusty, wanton abandon! They’re writhing all over your satin sheets, these evolution-teachers. It’s so rational and reasonable that it’s filthhhhy.
Huh, I guess the Urbana News on Cunningham didn’t exist back then. I am pretty sure they show moving pictures on Sundays. I also don’t think the people in these feature films wear clothing. February 12, 1926. Also on this date, some crazy bootlegger was getting arrested for producing somewhere around 400 gallons of moonshine.
UIUC Rankings from February 26, 1926. Uh ohhh, draaama.