January 4th, 2003
It is time to boogie down! Why? It's the Legolog's birthday, that's why! And all the people in the guestbook are freakin' weird! Dude, seriously, we all know Orlando Bloom is attractive. There IS NOTHING MORE TO SAY.

Oh, wait.

There is:

Dear Abby,
Lately I've been stroking my growth on my upper lip. What is it? Why is it there? WHY IS MY BODY CHANGING? Call me, honey.
Love, Orlando

December 3rd, 2003
I find it highly amusing that nearly every "Orlando Encounter" involves someone's mother driving them around, really akward silences, a search and a dropping of a camera, and "oh, God. He's so sexy."

Now, I might add that I can drive myself places. I never cause akward silences. I would tell Orlando that he is sexy, although I think that the hair and I will not get along. I'm sorely disappointed by Orlando's hair. It is not at all sleek and gorgeous and short like it was when I started the website two years ago.

For shame, Orlando. Say hi to the bugs in your nasty rat mess on your head, mmkay? Tell them Mommy wants to have a chat. Tell them that they are not to touch me, ever.

And so Guido and I were walkin' down de stree, aiight? And I woz ahll, Geeds! I need soahme air freshner, fore the bafroom, aiight? And he woz ahll, O! I ain't gettin' you no air freshner, y'see, coz that shit smells loike JERSEY! And I woz all, "We're IN Jersey, foo! Shut the fuck up!" And that was then I shoved him into my 1987 Nissan, and he woz all, "BITCH! YOU SCHMEARED MY SANDWICH!" And I woz all, "GEEDS! YOU ATE YOUR SANDWICH!"

Then I bought a new suit, and it's SLAMMIN'.

I am soooooo cute in my purpley sweater! I feel like an eggplant! I like eggplants! I like eggplants so much I have to cover my privates! Ha ha! Eggplants are fuuuunnnnnn!

October 14th, 2003
I am going to be Donatella Versace for Halloween, and all of you are not. Why? Because your Italian accent probably sucks my computer's speakers, that's why. However, I am a kind person, and so I have devised a list of possible Halloween acoutrements (French, if you will) for that special night for you and your... screaming little rodents... or whomever it may be.

The Official Legolog List of Halloween Get-Ups 2003

Japanese Tourist
No, not the most PC outfit out there, but sure to please your white mainstream high school! I go to one of these, so I would know. Actually, any sort of tourist would do. Pretend you're going on vacation to your school or workplace. It'll make your day THAT much brighter. On the plus side, you can also be annoying and ask for a monorail ticket to your chemistry class, and also demand that you be given Mickey Mouse ears, regardless of the fact that you are not in Disneyworld. But you can pretend that you are.

Monkey
Equally frightening, entertaining, and humiliating -- sure to make All Hallow's Eve a hairy blast of bananas and grooming.

Stalker
Not a hard job for most of you, thanks to the clever designs of the now long-gone Ali and I. All you have to do is pick someone and follow them all day. You might want to tell said person of your plans, just so they don't freak out when they see you hiding behind garbage cans, coke machines, mostiaciolli, etc. They still might. I don't promise anything.

Toilet Paper
This one is easy. Go to bathroom. Wrap self in toilet paper. You are now toilet paper. Amazing.

 

September 19th, 2003
I have just been informed from a highly reliable source (cough, guestbook, cough), that Orlando Bloom does not smell like a rose garden. Poor boobly. We must start a Bathe Orlando In Your Bathtub Fundraiser, and give all the moolah to me.

September 1st, 2003

ATTENTION! THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT!

Orlando looks like a pimpy pim-pasta. Olive Garden should start serving that.

Don't you feel serviced? Dude, you should. Seriously, I have proof.


(Husky, low-toned voice) Do I not look sexy as I stand afore a giant blazing fire which happens to be currently eating up my fellow cabooteneers? Do I not inspire the loins of fire with my giant, radazzlin' sword of manliness? Do I not make you want to have of the sexy sex with me, me and my casually windswept hair?

Do all these questions seem rhetorical to you? Do I know what rhetorical means? Not so much, probably because my tush is blazing with the thousand fires of the sun? Oh, the pain? Good God, why do I have an axe in my hand? WHERE THE F*CKING HELL AM I GOING TO FIND TREES? THE TREES ARE F*CKING BURNING TO THE GROUND! Maybe I should go help! But no, I look so very pretty standing here.

Alas, yes. I shall stand, and make with the pretty.

Left Hand: Hello right hand!
Right Hand: Hello left hand!
Left Hand: What's up, right hand?
Right Hand: Nuthin', left hand.
Left Hand: I'm hotter than you are.
Right Hand: Oh NO YOU ISN'T.
Left Hand: OH, YES I IS! Dude, I mean am.
Right Hand: Orlando put TWO rings on me and none on you so I totally am the hotter one.
Left Hand: Hey, remember that short kid's ass we grabbed? He was saying something about the One Ring!
Right Hand: Dude, really? I think I grabbed him.
Left Hand: I think you didn't. I think I touched the supple firmness.
Right Hand: Uh, no. I am the ringed one.
Orlando: GOD! Why don't you guys ever SHUT THE HELL UP? I have a lot of thinking to do and all you guys ever do is fight!
Left Hand: I'm sorry, Orlando. We love you, we really do.
Right Hand: I don't. *grabs throat*

Orlando: I am looking pensive. Thinking pensive. Being pensive. I am the all-pensive one. I wonder if I should make duck sounds. Because duck sounds are always funny. Wow. I am SO cool.

And now the Orlando I love more than any other Orlando besides Legolas.


Aw! *bursts into tears*

August 25th, 2003
I got lost in Mongolia and was forced to eat ylang-yii-ang-phoo-phoo! I swear! The whole time I was thinking of you, my schnuggle bum bum Orlando. It's too bad you have legions of skanky ho's now. I'm really very disappointed about that. Of course, they have no clue how to go about stealing your lawn furniture and making conversation heart letters.

Which, by the way, I have brought back to the Legolog! Joy upon joys of JOY! It is now in the "features section."

Also, download the Walkmen's "Wake Up" and Junior Senior's "Move Your Feet." Or, uh, "go buy the songs."

July 23rd, 2003
Keira Knightley is too skinny. She is also too beautiful and she needs to stop being both RIGHT NOW. She also needs to stop having that Brit accent that I covet so badly.


Orlando: *whispering* I found you, my little pimp daddy bitch.
Johnny: I did say not to whisper sweet nothings in my ear in public, my little British fruitcake.
Orlando: Oh, but I can't resist it when you're still in your pirate getup. Talk to me in French again, honey.
Johnny: No.
Orlando: I'll lend you my belt if you do.
Johnny: *genuinely honored* I can't accept that, Orlando. I know how much the belt means to you.
Orlando: Shucks, baby. Anything for you.

Johnny: Pookie? The man behind us is staring at me.
Orlando: Maybe that's because I sort of look like unwashed vermin street rat and I won't let go of your firm oblique muscles and he's a security guard stationed here to rescue you.
Johnny: Oh, sweetbuns, I don't think you look like unwashed vermin street rat.
Orlando: Really? Do you love my Converse Low-cut All Stars and how it shows that I'm just any ordinary joe hangin' on a red carpet? Orlando from the block, if you will?
Johnny: I do. I do. *meaningfully, giving him the look*
Orlando: Why are you saying that in such a weird way.
Johnny: I'm not. Does it ring any bells in Canada where certain things are legal and the skies are blue and never ever borrowed or old and you can eat cake?
Orlando: I don't understand you sometimes.

July 20th, 2003
I have not seen Pirates of the Carribean yet. Am waiting for my closest Orli-lovin' fan to come back from the land where they don't make the Swedish Fish. Yes, Sweden. Oh, yes. We were the early surge of Orlando fans. Well, earlier. I still remember it now. December 31st, 2001, in Los Angeles, California. I discovered the love, ohyesIdid.

Sigh. Orlando. You have a massive fanbase now and it would be impossible to glomp you in public. What has this world come to when you cannot go up and glomp the prettiest boy ever?

Legolog was the first Orlando-non-stalking-blog, yo. The first. Well, maybe the second Orlando log. *sighs heavily* And now I am without Ali. This is distressing.

- Nellie

July 15th, 2003
Graham: Actually, it’s uncanny. Suddenly, it’s uncanny. But for a lot of your fans, and I say a lot of your fans. The last time there were 29,000 sites dedicated to you on the internet. Now, nearly two years later, there are 377,000 sites dedicated to you on the internet. They like you.
Orlando: Agh!
Graham:They live alone, they like you.
Orlando: (joking)They have nothing better to do.

I do so! Actually, I don't. And to comment on that- it's not 377,000 separate pages- they include subpages within that and OB Files and Orlando Multimedia have at least 2000 single files within each other. That tally would be incorrect. It's more around 200 websites.

Orlando: She did, she had my Legolas doll, it was just so funny, she had my Legolas doll, like, between her buxom bosom and if you squeeze the legs it makes this, makes the arrow arm go off…and she was doing this.

*heavy gasp* Orlando has CAMERAS in my basement?? Frightening how he knows what goes on in there.

Orlando: No, no, I’ve been going for the all boy action stuff
Graham: Yes, lots of all boy action. (grins & thinks) I thought you looked familiar.

No comment, yo.

June 23rd, 2003
Summer boredom has taken its toll and left Nellie without a brain.



June 8th, 2003
School is done tomorrow! Massive girl fit, oh yes. So I tried on those shoes I showed you all down there. Unfortunately, they made my calves look fat, and so I went to Nine West after about a thousand different shoe stores (Steve Madden? Yeah, you're home to the ultimate BIAOHTICHES of the world), and I got these darling little black strappy stilleto things. They hadn't gone on sale in the three years that they'd kept them in their line. So, hee, guess what? THEY WENT ON SALE.

I have a giant Orlando poster that I got with my Chicago Tribune last week. Keira Knightley is so gorgeous, but her bosoms are so very large in that poster. It's a mite frightening. But again, Orlando, smoullllldering on my bedroom closet door.

- nellie

May 16th, 2003
The Legolog is back! This time, it's simplified down.

I have renounced men and taken up professional lip gloss shopping instead. I am in search of the perfect gloss. So far have gone through entire Bonne Bell lip line. Can't decide. Far too many selections. I also got to hug Rooney May 1st, which was cool. Had a way fangirly moment.

and, oh yes... mummy wants you! Mummy thinks you would look beautiful on her feet! Oh, look at you, you perfect little darlings! If only your heel were the slightest bit higher and MUMMY WANTS YOU IN BLACK!


May 4th, 2003
Legolas is so pretty. Orlando looks way smouldering in the Pirates of the Carribean ad. I nearly licked the poster, but my face couldn't reach. It was so sad. Yes, still temporary version. I realize that. My brain hurts. I took the SAT today. I want to die.

April 29th, 2003
Ooooooh. OKAY. WE ARE NOT GONE. WE STILL LOVE LEGOLAS.

Orlando, however, is a different story for Nellie. Sadly, she has fallen out of love because she has a stalker that doesn't bathe and looks like Orlando.


March 28th, 2003
Wow, I really suck at updating.

I'm going to New Mexico to hang with the New Mexicans. I'll see yaaaaals round the flip side. Or, um, April 6th...


March 10th
My cello student has not shown up. Again. Good God. JUST FREAKIN' CALL.

Hey, 'sup? You wanna see the layout?

10 Minutes Later
You think Jacques likes *cellists?* Because he said cello, but he didn't say cellist... Rivers Cuomo likes half-Japanese cellists. My stand partner is a Korean cellist, but he's a boy.


Feb 24th, 2003

Not to get all fangirly on you (oh, please, it's what I LIVE for), but, read this (it's an interview from the Jacques Brautbar Fanclub, which is like the Legolog except without the Log):

interviewer: not my question—i’m serious when i say this, too. okay. if you could fit into a musical instrument, would you like it to be a : a) saxophone, b) sousaphone, or c) tuba.

jacques brautbar from phantom planet: cello.

interviewer: cello? that’s not even one of the options.

jacques brautbar from phantom planet: i know, but that’s the one i’d like to fit in.

interviewer: why? why a cello?

interviewer: jacques brautbar from phantom planet: ‘cause i love, i like, cellos. the sound of a cello alone.

interviewer: do you play...what instruments do you play?

jacques brautbar from phantom planet: i play guitar and piano. but the sound of a cello is just unbelievable.

---------------------

GUESS WHO JUST HAPPENS TO HAVE BEEN PLAYING CELLO SINCE SHE WAS 8 YEARS OLD? That's right! ME! Guess who plays piano? ME! Guess who plays one string of guitar? ME! And you know what was weird? I totally knew he'd say cello, even before I read past the question about the instrument. Not to mention, I do happen to have a Foot Care kit... and... well, if you read the full interview on the site, you'll understand.

Jacques, I'd teach you cello. Really, I would. Right, this isn't the Jacqueslog, I know that. Right. *blinks* New layout is done. It'll be up soon. It's so pretty.

Feb 14th, 2003
Wow. Remember last year when I made that letter out to Orlando with conversation hearts and I said I was going to go steal his lawn furniture? Yeah. Hmm. You are the love boat of my soul, Orlando...

In other news.

RIP Dolly. We shall miss you. You and your bleating.
-nel

Feb 13th, 2003
I just... talked... with... OK GO... *stunned*

I shook Damian Kulash's hand. I shook his hand. My sister took 39 pictures of OK Go.

Most importantly, I stole an OK Go poster.

Fangirl heaven. Never a groupie, mind you. I met some very nice groupies. Very blonde. Very majoring in Fashion Marketing. They partied with All American Rejects last week. They wanted to party with OK Go and Rooney. So, OK Go and Rooney.... you may be getting your very own Fashion Marketing Groupies... I never met a real live groupie before them. Note that they didn't know who Rooney was nor did they actually learn about All American Rejects until they came on TRL. So flighty. So gullible, too..

Wow. Wow. Wow. FRICKEN' WOW. Woooooooooowww... incredible. They did everything acoustic and Tim the Bassist didn't have his bass and Dan didn't have his drums but they played anyway, and they sound so good live, even without microphones... and I was in the front row, holymotherofgod.

Tim gave me ping pong techniques.

Damian wrote, "OK Go (hearts) Nellie."

They love me! Okay, I know that's just something bands say... but it was way cool.

- nel

Feb 11th, 2003
Hey Man-People! Don't know what to get your lay-dayyys for V-Day? Get them what they really want. That's right, this.

Also...


Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh. I was THERE. I was RIGHT THERE in the pit of screaming valley girls. I'm not going to lie to you, because it was great. Not the valley girls. The Rooney. I get to see OK Go on Thursday at Tower Records, because I'm geeky like that. I love OK Go. Too bad I can't go to their Fox news thing.... *sigh* and too bad I can't see Rooney *and* OK Go in concert this Thursday. Please, please, please, if you have tickets, let me pay you to give them to me... or you could just give them to me. Damian Kulash is also doing a radio interview with a Santa Cruz radio station. This is unreal. I lived by Santa Cruz when I was little....

I've made three different layouts already and I hate each and every one of them. This bites.

Help OrlandoBloomFans, though. Poor oogles. That's why you should never host images on your own server.

- nel (& ali in spirit)